Anyhow…where to start? I am going back to the doctor to get help. I am not afraid to die — never have been. I wish to be killed so that I don’t have to do it myself. I never fit in anywhere. When I was a kid, my schools were nearly all-black. We lived in a poor neighborhood.

Being white and attending such a school, one could easily assume that they would be alienated. Their assumption easily proven true. I had very few friends. Never got close to anyone in my entire life.

My entire family consisted of drug addicts and alcoholics. Every male from both my mother and father’s side were alcoholics. My father died of alcoholism as well. I used to abuse drugs heavily. However, I long quit the usage.

I graduated high school late because I simply stopped going. I went back and got my diploma in record time. I was always the smart kid. I never tried to be; I just was. My siblings and cousins felt threatened by this because they had no desire to even try. I got in fights with them because they felt I thought I was better than everyone.

I am not better than anyone; I am very humble. I would spend hours helping my brother with his homework. Nobody else could teach him; only I could. I presented everything in such a way that made him easily understand. I am selfless, but I fear I may have to be selfish from now on.

I never had a girlfriend in my entire life. Never had one kiss, date, anything. I am not an ugly person either. I workout and I am extremely toned. I have confidence in myself — a lot. But…when it comes to women, I view them misogynistically. I don’t trust them. My mother cheated on my father when I was very young. Ever since, it had an impact on my views towards women.

I tried to talk to my mother about it. Recently, I said I had forgiven her. Sometimes I still feel like I didn’t mean it. I just can’t overcome this. Anytime I argue with a woman, I feel like they are treating me like my mother treated my father. This makes me want to strangle them — literally.

My sister got in my face one day and started saying random vulgarities towards me in front of company. I blacked out, and I was choking her to the ground. My mother tried to stop me, and I reached for her as well. She escaped, but I told everyone in the house I would kill them. This is what I was told. I don’t remember some of it. I AM SO SORRY FOR THAT!

However, there is this one girl who is different. We talk a little everytime we see each other. She is just like me in everyway except physical. Never in my life have I met a girl like that. She is a virgin, like me. Went through the same EXACT traumas I have when I was little. AT THE SAME AGES! I immediately became infatuated. I gave her advice on various things. Gave her various items that have no value other than sentimental — only to be turned down.

She now dates a guy I know that isn’t going to treat her well. A person who is going to cheat on her. Thing is, when you sit your whole life on the sidelines, you watch people — you learn people. I can tell instantly about a person. He will do nothing but harm, then leave. I will bet my soul on it.

She now acts as if my trinkets met nothing to her at all. Kind of a let down. They were genuine — which is rare for me. I can be myself around her and not feel threatened by who I am. She tells me things that she doesn’t tell others — deep things. But I feel I should move on — but to what? Isn’t it about finding the one just like you? Took me until half of 50 to do that. I don’t have time for another search.

I am in college. I am doing very well. I am pursuing a career that will allow me to appreciate my life by helping those that have it worse. I know that my situation isn’t exclusive. I have helped everybody that has endured the awkwardness of getting to know me. They always tell me that everyone should get to know me because I help them so much. I help them because I want them to get better and not feel like I do. I feel if I can help as many people as possible, a few will go to heaven and tell my father that it is okay, that I am a good person. They will tell him to forgive me for treating him so bad when he asked for my help, only for me to deny him. Oh…I am so sorry, everyone. I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. Is it still worth living? Help…please….