I just came home from a funeral at my father’s cousin. I am in my mid 40s and had never met these people before. It was an incredible family and ceremony. The expereince provided a great counter balance to my usual family experience.
I never met the people who had the funeral because my father and mother fought “all of the time”. I never knoew most of my relatives. There was so much fighting in my family because my mother is probably a lesbian who never came out. Then my father wanted more than she could give and didn’t know how to stop his violent temper. He drank, she was beaten, the children cried and became bewildered and confused.
My father never wanted to see his relatives. Turns out they are good people who see life as an opportunity. And my mother is a fighter, never seems to feel whole without a struggle.
My father hasn’t talked to me since I was 13 for his own reasons. So I have been emotionally dependent on a mother who angrily gets the last word, who is always right, who wants power more than love and so I am nothing but a punching bag. But I have known this for a long time.
So my question is, how do I stay open yet close to my mother’s negative treatment.
It will be good to move on so I should make a plan and limit her contact…
The funny thing is, she can’t see that she is making her own “bad” experience with me happen. Anything I say is turned into somehow something negative about her. Weird. She is so insecure and negative about me and about life.
And I guess I have to stop worrying about her while I make my plan to do what I need to do next in my life. If she is negative about me, then I can remove myself from her path and things will get better.
