mother says i am an enabler…please help?
September 1st, 2010
my mother is insistent that i am enabling my father to be an alcoholic and enabling him is interfereing with my life…the thing is, i do not think i am enabling him…he lives very far away and i only talk to him every two weeks….she thinks i should quit talking to him because he did not move near us when they divorced…he payed child support and spoke to us on the phone…i do not feel affected by his alcoholism…i am a strong person, who does not drink and i am not a victim…i am very nurturing to my children… i have broken the chain of abuse. my mother thinks that the chain is not broken simply because i communicate with him. i am trying to explain to her that i am not enabling him just by talking to him. i am disattached from my father, so i do not care if he drinks…i need proffesional psychological advice on how to explain to my mother that i am not enabling him and communicating with him is not hindering my life…she is hindering my life with this subject…help
Tell your mom this is your decision to be in contact, and for her to please respect it. Her reaction to you staying in contact is not enabling him, and she is jealous of your relationship with him, and wants to control you. All three of my daughters had issues with their dad. I in no way ever interferred with their attempts to communicate with him. I wanted them to finally have a relationship with him. Your mom needs to stay out of it, and let you be an adult even though she is refusing to be one. You will not be sorry that you are trying with your dad. You should refuse to discuss whether you have spoken to him or not with her.
Well since u do not providde opportunities for him to drink or ignore the problem (since u dont really even talk to him) u r not an enabler…if u lived near him and gve him money pretending that hell use it for a bill when u know itll go towards liquor or if u just turned away and pretended that he doesnt have a problem thats enabling…pluys at that age, its hard to stop
He’s your father and you need him.
He’s a unique and precious person to you that you need to know and show love for—-just for your own sake, and your own peace of mind.
You do not have any power over his drinking, and neither does your Mother, or anyone else, except HIM.
Besides that, your Mother chose him, you didn’t.
You don’t need to explain or apologize to your Mother for anything. You were born into this situation, and it’s not of your doing.
She found out long ago she can’t control your Father, so she is trying to control you, instead.
Being the child of an alcoholic is a crushing burden, one of the most difficult anyone can have. I know—my father was an Alcoholic.
But, sometimes the people that cause the most difficulty in the Alcoholic family are the spouses of the Alcoholic, in their rage, anger, guilt, fear, and desperate need to control everything around them.
As a fellow child of an alcoholic, believe me, I sympathize with where you’re at.
Continue to be strong, and try to let your mom vent … but don’t let it get to you too much. It honestly sounds like she is quite bitter about the fact that you’re in contact with him, period, and is using the alcoholism / enabler thing as a “reason” to vent that bitterness.
The fact is that even as adults, we are affected in little ways. I do not know how much you lived with your father after he became an active alcoholic, but there are little things that I’m sure you notice about yourself that are affected – my big one is that I can’t stand being around drunk people. Ever. However, keeping in contact with Dad is *your* decision. And I applaud you for it – it’s something that you won’t ever have to regret.
Here’s a website that might help you deal with some of the stuff being thrown your way. You might find a way of sharing it with Mom … if she’ll listen. If not, there are some very good psychology research articles here that should give you the knowledge you need to say something that will get through to her. http://www.coaf.org/family/adult/adltmain.htm
Do you love your father? Yes? Then why do you not care that he drinks? It may not be affecting you, but it is certainly affecting him. Sometimes we need to love a person enough to let them hit bottom. He will never hit bottom if you continue to not make an issue of his drinking. Wouldn’t it be better for you to give him an ultimatum to get help or lose you than lose him to liver disease or have him kill himself or someone els in his car? I am sorry, your mother is right. You are enabling him to be an alcoholic. This is not so much about your life as it is about his or the random victim he may hurt someday because of his drinking.
It doesn’t sound like you are enabling your father at all to me. You are not supplying him with money or drink and you are only talking to him every 2 weeks – he is hardly dependent on you. Your mother sounds bitter about what has happened between her and him but she needs to learn that your relationship with your father is your business. I suspect that she may be more worried about her own feelings in this and not yours or his.
Sit her down and tell her firmly but gently that you are simply talking to your father and that it’s your right to do so. Remind her that he is still your father and that he actually needs to know that you are there for him. If she won’t let it go after that, then tell her to mind her own business and that you won’t be discussing it with her again. Don’t shout but be firm.