Mother alcoholic problems?
August 24th, 2010
For as long as I can remember, my mother and I have not been close. Since I was born, to when I was about the age of 14 she would always relapse, and sometimes we would have light physical fights. I would always have to stay with my grandparents, I would even have to change schools periodically, and leave all my friends, and become secluded while she would drink. Then, when she would want “help”, I would always have to take care of her, empty out her puke buckets, feed her, ect. I even remember when I was about 9, for about two weeks I took care of her by myself, I mean I was so young, I didn’t know what was wrong with her. We have had a few boyfriends move in with us, but I mean she always changes when a new one comes along, and she acts fake, and anytime we fight, she always acts like the victim.
I mean she has been a year and a half solber now, but the pain I endured from my childhood is not going away, and she can’t understand why I cannot get over it. She says that emoitonal pain is mine now, and I have to deal with it myself. I do not think its fair to say that when she caused me deep pain, for years on end, and she just expects when she is clean, for me to just deal with it. It makes me feel like since she is okay now, then all of my pain is just my problem, not hers. Like she just forgot about it, and now for the rest of my life, I have to deal with it.
Sure, she takes me to therapy, and gives me the essentials, and ect. But, I just don’t think I can forgive her, I mean its not like I can forgive her. She shouldn’t have drank, I mean sure, she has her everyday stresses about life, and other alcoholics do, but they went through it all, without drinking.
I mean, I am an alcoholic also, but she acts like my disease affects her more, and she makes it about her. She always has to be the victim, which I never understood.
So my question is, what should I do?
Should I just avoid this pain, that I have endured for a good part of my life, or should I move on, and forget about her?
Please help me.
(I am almost sixteen by the way)
I am not too young to be an alcoholic.
You are TOO young to be an alcoholic Get yourself some help first then you can help others. Go to a Church Bible Study and Worship Service. Do what you have to to get control of your life.
talk to somebody
Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry! It wasn’t alcohol, but sexual abuse for me, and I understand deep, deep painful hurt.
And, I could go on and on, but I’m gonna give it to you straight. Ok?
You won’t like it, probably, but it’s the truth.
You MUST forgive her. Why?
Unforgiveness is a large, dark, dank jail cell. The only person with the key out of there is you. It took me well over 15 years of “saying” I forgave my father before I “felt” it, but before I actually said those words I made up my mind that I truly did forgive him. Forgiveness is the only thing that will calm the rage within you. Forgiveness is the only key to healthy living. It is the only magnifying glass that will give you a good look at yourself, and once your own eyes are clear, that’s when your mom will look different to you.
Since you can’t take the past back and re-live it, you must decide what you want to do. Go forward from here? Or keep the strong hold of the past like an ankle bracelet?
You and your mom need a good, long, hard cry, and you need to hug each other. It is probably the LAST thing you feel like doing, but if you don’t forgive her, and yourself, you will never really have her in your life.
Keep going to therapy. But, if you don’t forgive, you won’t get far.
This is life according to me. I am not a prisoner. I am free, and I am happy. I have no hang ups about being around my dad, but my dad prefers not to be around me. (He has his own problems, and has had since being exposed, and by more people than me!) I am free to NOT do things, like cry, hurt myself, remain in solitude, be hateful, bitter, and angry. I am free to pick and choose life at my own discretion. And I choose not to be the victim, angry, bitter and hurt anymore. My life is worth much more than negativity. And sweetie, yours is too. It starts with forgiveness!!! trust me on this one. Life is way too short, so live it as happily as you can.
It isn’t easy. But it is necessary, and it works!!!
I’m sorry that you’ve had to deal with this for so long. But you mom has been sober for a year and half and that should tell you right there that she’s changed. And yes she shouldn’t have put you through all that but people make mistakes. And when you say that other alcoholics have gone through problems without drinking, it doesn’t make sense. There are very few who have done that. Millions of people struggle with it. And why hold a grudge against your mom if she’s taking you to therapy and all that then that should tell you that she’s trying to make up for what she put you through. And the reason why she may act like you being an alcoholic affects her more if because she feels like it’s her fault that now you have this problem. She blames herself because now you are suffering through the same struggle.
Forget the past and look to the future.
Sammy,
Wow, you’ve gone through a terrible ordeal. Nobody should have to go through that, especially at a young age.
When your mom says that the emotional pain is yours now, and you have to deal with it, she means that the she can not remove the wound she caused; it has become internalized into your personality. I know this, because I was a severely abused child, and my therapist told me the same thing. It’s my problem, and I’ve got to deal with it.
However, she is insensitive in the way she expressed it. Has she ever asked you what she can do to undo the damage? Did you tell her what she can do to undo the damage?
Sammy, At this point, you need to take care of yourself. Join AL-ANON, Ala-teen, and possibly AA. You will meet people who have been where you are now. They can provide both emotional support to you and tell you how they coped with the situation you’re now in.
As far as being too young for alcoholism, this disease has a genetic component. Being highly stressed and living with an alcoholic increases the probability that the genetic predisposition will express itself as alcoholism. No, you’re not too young.
Best of luck,
Sean Roberts