How do you cope with the feeling that your Mother might commit suicide?
August 24th, 2010
I’ve basically been planning my mom’s death for 5 years. she’s a severe drug and alcohol abuser. I’m not looking for suggestions as to how to get her help, or what to say to make her change…because I’ve done absolutely everything. I’ve called the police on her, checked her into rehab clinics dozens of times, poured my heart out to her. She has lost both of her children (my sister and I) to child protective services and this has not done anything to make her stop. All I’m asking is for someone to help me find a way to cope with this feeling. This past weekend, she’s given off a real vibe that I’ve never seen before. Very disconnected from everyone, distant, and quiet while she usually makes a note of being outgoing and doing anything to cover up the fact that she’s a depressed drunk. She told her neighbour that her “days are numbered”…..how am I supposed to deal with this? I don’t live with her, so I can’t monitor her actions. Does anyone have any words of advice?
Yes. Let it go. Youve done all you can. If someone wants to walk into the fire and is determined to do it there is nothing you can do.
Your going to take years off your own life if you dont just let it go and realize theres nothing you can do.
make her stop doing that stuff tell her that if she doesn’t stop you are going to do something.
Pray. I’m sorry, that’s all I can say if you wanna stop trying to get her help. Just Pray. My prayers are with you.
I think you have to go to Al-Anon and get some support. If you are not up for that, find yourself a therapist or talk to your own doctor. Maybe you could call the suicide hot line and see what the people there say.
First of all let me say that I am sorry that you have to go through this. But I am a christian and I dont know what your beliefs are but I know that Jesus can heal all kinds of hurt and help all problems. My best advice to you is to pray for your mother and for yourself. Its not hard, all you have to do is express your feelings to Jesus. He can and He will help. I know, He saved my life. I will pray that you get stronger and that your mother doesnt commit sucidie. I pray all goes well for you…
Sounds like you have tried and tried and tried to help your Mom, but until your Mom wants to help herself or at least realizes that she has a problem and is need of help, there really isn’t anything physical that you can do. My suggestion to you would be to “Let Go & Let God”. Prayers do help. Just keep praying for your Mom and be there for her as much as you can. It is obvious that you love your Mom very much, just keep showing her that you do. You need to remember to cut yourself some slack too though. You are not your Mom’s keeper. You can do your best to help her and that is all. None of this is your fault. My prayers are with you sweetie. I hope it all works out for the best.
You tell her she has been a terrible mother but you love her anyway and if she kills herself you will NEVER forgive her for it.Tell her that her life does NOT have to be like this and when she will turn completely to GOD, HE can AND will deliver her form her addictions but she is going to have to face some harsh realities.Have her to gotoa united pentecostal church(its one of the few churches I have found with any REAL power .I have known of a lot of people who were like your mom and GOD delivered them.Talk to a united pentecostal pastor they have athing just for women like your mom.There is no way not to feel shock and horror and grief if she kills herself.That is normal.Her life doesnt have to be a total waste unless she wants it tobe.Itll take something more powerfull than her to deliver her form this, and thats JESUS.I’ll say a prayer for her.
Even if you know its futile, call whoever you can to get her help. This is not for her, it is for you. She may not make it from what you say. But if you do what you can, you help prevent yourself from feeling guilty when she passes away.
Try throwing yourself into work, school, excercise, or a hobby…and if possible latch onto any friendly people you can, spend time with them.
I just want to say that you must be a pretty strong person to have coped with it this long.
Pray to God for peace and hand her over to His will. You need to have compassion on her, she’s in a lot of pain and is no longer in control of her own faculties. Rest in knowing that you’ve done all you can. Forgive her and let her go.
Some people strive on sympathy, I am going through the same thing with my mom, and when the drinking gets worse so do the problems and the threats of suicide, thats where tough love steps in. Not only do children need it at times, so do parents.
You need to tell your mom your feelings and without being too blunt, tell her straight out that you love her and losing her to suicide will hurt you, but so does watching her drink and drug her life away.
Then let it be. Let her make the move after that. You will lose yourself worrying about her, so care but don’t let it ruin your life, she is the only one who can help herself, you just need to be there to support her.
My mom couldn’t believe it when I told her to do what she had to do, that I would always love her and I would have the memories of our good times, and forget the bad. She hasn’t said the “S” word to me since.
Good Luck.
You’re not alone, i have 4 other siblings that were taken from my mom. She too is a drug/alcohol abuser. I learned to deal w/ the fact that there is absolutely nothing i can do. She is a young/ almost grown women. She will do what she wants. Every day i am glad to know that she is alive! You’re not supposed to cope with the feelings. Just find something to occupy your time. Count the moments unntil you see her! Talk to someone close and cry i find myself crying b/c i feel alone, worried, and scared. Scared that i might not see my mom again. So, don’t cope but cry!
I don’t know what your beliefs are, but this is something that you need to pray and hand it all over to God. Tell him it’s out of your hands and the only hope she has is for Him to take over where everyone and everything has failed. As hard as it is to do, you have to face the fact that you have no control over what is happening to her. And if things get worse you have done all you could of done and now it’s up to God. God bless you and your sister , you have been put through so much and have so much love.
Sweetie you cannot be responsible for your Mom…
Suicide is a choice …. unfortunately.
I know all to well as my brother made that choice himself. He left behind 4 children. Those 4 I am raising. There Mom like your Mom is a substance abuser. She makes choices daily that we do not like.
I do not have words of wisdom and there is nothing to say that can fix the situation. But you can love your Mom and let her know that regardless of her choices you love her and you always will.
Be a positive light in her life… even if it is limited with supervised visits.
Alot of her decision making has been affected by drugs. Just love her thought them…. she knows she can get help anytime.
ps… its ok to be angry and worried….. drugs separate you from a wonderful woman…. your mom
Call this hotline 1(800) 448-3000 & tell them how you feel. It’s a crisis hotline, & these people are very helpful.
Get alot of counseling. Your mom has an illness that she has very little control over. Addiction and depression. That’s alot. It has NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you or your sister. You can’t monitor her. If she decides to kill herself, she will do it, there’s nothing or no one who can stop it.
Please get the book below. It is out of circulation, but it can still be ordered. It’s one of the best books on the subject that I have ever read.
I’m so sorry that you have to go through this! First of all, your mother has an illness, she is very sick and needs help. With that being said, you ARE NOT equipped nor cut out to help her “fix” this problem. However, you do seriously NEED to get help for yourself. You definitely should join a wonderful group called “Al-Anon/Alateen”. This group has been offering hope and help to families and friends of alcoholics (and drug addicts). It is estimated that each individual addict affects the lives of at least four other people… Addiction is truly a family disease.
Visit this site to gain more knowledge about this support group, click here: http://www.al-anon.org/english.html
These people have groups where you can attend, and gain support and help for your individual wellness! Also, I would suggest that you talk to a therapist, counselor, or any other trained professional to help you cope with this situation, and deal with your feelings that you’re going through. Keep your spirits up, you are stronger than you actually think…and God Bless you!!
I am sorry that you have to go through all of this. You should not have to worry about parenting your mother. It sounds like you have done everything you can to help her. Now she is going to have to step up and help herself. I’m sure you’ve experienced the painful reality by now that you can’t force her to get help. Tell her you love her and that you’re worried about her and how it would hurt you if you lost her. Let her know who she can call for help but then the rest is up to her. If you know she is actively suicidal at the moment, you can call the police and they can get her hospitalized for several days, but she may be back in the same situation when she gets out. At this point, all you can do is pray. Turn her over to God and know that whatever happens, He is in control. I hope she gets better but you also have to accept that this might not happen. So pray and know that you’ve done all that you can and then keep praying some more. I lost my fiance to suicide 1 year ago. It is still incredibly hard to deal with but I know that I did everything I could to help him and that he made his own choice. I remember what it’s like to worry about something horrible happening to a person you love and it sucks and it will consume your life if you let it. Unfortunately, you still have to turn them over to God and let Him do his work. Do you mind telling us how old you are? Are you still in CPS custody or are you an adult now?
Your not alone. Don’t be afaird to seek out a professional counciler. Honestly while I was dealing with some of the same things you talked about I didn’t seek a couciler, and looking back wish I had. Just to have the professional advise what would have been helpful.
I learned the childern don’t make very good parents for their parents. I tried for years to get my dad to give up his addictions. And I know I tried to raise him back to good health by almost playing this game where I’d punish him (by not talking to him, etc) for falling into his additions. But, in the end I learned what was healthiest for him was for me to be strong on my end. I always was honestly with him how much it hurt me to see him using alcohol. I was honest with him when he denied he had a problem. And I was always honest with him that the cleaner he stayed the more fun it would be for us to be together and in general how much happier his life would be. Many people turned thier back on my dad, and now that he has been sober for four months he still remembers how I stood by his side, was willing to give him the tough love he needed, and kept my promises once he cleaned himself up. But first, I knew I was in a place personally were I could be happy on my own before I could really help my dad, because of that special bond that a parent and child are going to have. For years I let my dad bring me down too, and I was at my best to help him when I was strong in my personal life first. Good luck.
My father committed suicide. The warning signs were: He was withdrawn. Didn’t smile, his eyes looked as though they had a haze over them. There was nothing we could do to cheer him up. Once someone’s heart has hardened toward their own life, they just want to be at peac e & think death is the answer. You should seek counseling. Sometimes it’s offered free through your Church. A professional counselor is your best bet. To cope, well, sometimes we just have to block the bad out of our minds so that we can go on happily. Be happy for her when she goes. It’s what she obviously wants.
Okay.
I’ll answer this the way you put it to me.
Have you set up for her funeral?
Have you seen that her affairs are in order?
Have you asked her what she wants to happen once she is dead?
Have you asked her any of the things you want to know like recipes, names, addresses, birthdates, things she may know that you don’t?
Have you tried to get custody of your little sister using her will as a means to gain custody?
You say you have been planning her death for 5 years. I just wonder if you are actually planning or just waiting for the inevitable loss.
You can minimize that loss by learning as much as you can from her right now. You can try and keep her life going on by protecting those things she found most dear. You can reduce the hardship by getting the paperwork out of the way.
I’ll accept that you are accepting that she wants to die. That is what that is. I have never been able to accept that in others, but; if you can then all I can tell you is how to take steps to make this less eventful than it could be.
If this sounds too hard for you then your only choice is to cut ties and run. I have known those who could not face the difficulties of watching someone die and they just distanced themselves from the whole process. I am not them.
I went through what you are talking about in one way or another for lot longer than 5 years. I have said goodbye to a lot of people. It is not easy, but; I prefer it to not being there for them.
Death is that part of life that puts a period on the sentence and lets you figure out what it all meant. I would rather think of it as a period and not a question mark like those other people have to deal with when they are asked what this person or that person was like.
I know the answers and anyone who tells me otherwise is wasting their breath.
Good luck figuring out what you should do next, or first, but just keep doing something and in time it will be over, one way or the other.
Just do yourself one favor and remember to live a little while the cards are played out. It helps.
First of all it seems you have done a lot and WELL DONE for that. I would suggest that you get her a change in life style. A change in the ways of doing things would rekindle hidden hope and wishes. You should impersonate yourself all the good things in terms of whats happening new trends, new friends….. The issue is that her mindset is in an aquarium and you need get her out to breath the world
My dear xox sexy…your history is very touching.The caseof your mother has reached an advanced stage.I am having the impression that their is no return ticket ,yet nothing is impossible.The dealing must be very phsycological. All relatives surrounding her must be very vigilant for a while until she will fell confident. Her nerves is no more resisting to alcohol and drug. Her environment has to be changed constantly. From this we all have to draw a lesson not to involve in such nasty things. Let us all pray for an early recovery of your mother.